| Coming home |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|09:14 am] |
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| |  contemplative | ] |
It's been a bittersweet year and a half since my last post. The words found there aptly describe the hell hole I walked myself into. If you find a similar post reach out and help that person as they are about to jump. I jumped. The cliff I jumped from looked overwhelming, scary, and felt too lonely. But I forgot that I created the cliff. I created the overwhelming and scary feelings, and I was equally responsible for the loneliness. Before jumping get your shit together, otherwise you are just running and will land right back where you started. Ever leave one relationship only to realize the new one is riddled with similar problems as the last? People say this all the time. It sucks when you see it yourself. That's why you must stay put, work on your own shit before taking on the shit of others.
So, I'm home now. Really never left, though emotionally it alluded me for more than a year. I love coming home. I love knowing that I will be greeted with acceptance and unconditional love, and from more than just the dogs:) I'm loving the quiet moments. The ones that used to torture me and my busy mind. I just let my mind go and accept all the randomness it brings. I accept the painful thoughts equally with the joyful. I realize that these are like dreams, brought on by stimulus and out of my control. I don't fight them, or analyze them, I just accept their existence and move on. I feel so peaceful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2006|10:28 pm] |
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Do you need to.... try drugs to experience altered consciousness? engage in promiscuous behaviors to sow your oats? push past your edges to truly live? |
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| Regrets? |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|12:18 pm] |
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Do you have any regrets? Any, why didn't I do that, moments? I've decided I would like to lead separate lives. In one I would like to be unconsciously immoral - drugs, sex, indulge in all those naught behaviors. In another I would like to marry for money - wealth and prestige, and live superficially. In another I would like to be single and career focused. I think I'd even like to try lesbianism. One life will be set in the city, another in the country. Am I having a midlife crisis, or just normal? Who do you want to be? |
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| It's me, not you, seriously! |
[Jun. 24th, 2006|06:39 pm] |
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Have you been there? Had that moment when you realized your own insecurities, personal history drama, and lifelong hurdles have created a nonsensical paranoia? Giggles, whispering, outbursts of laughter - do they remind you of junior high school? Behind your back, in your line of vision, or directly in your face - sound familiar? They're little dramas we spend our lives running from. Even as one of the most popular girls at the end of the experience, the initiation into junior high has left me traumatized. As my daughter prepares for middle school I find myself wrestling with the ghosts of my past. How do I help my daughter when I still wrestle with whispers and giggles? |
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| Graduation |
[May. 26th, 2006|11:03 am] |
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My oldest daughter, almost 12, just graduated from elementary school. I used rationalization and distraction to avoid the tears that fill my heart. She won several awards today, but I'm most proud of the character award given by her teacher. While others received honesty, loyalty, tender, neat, courageous, her teacher announced, "extremely diligent," to my daughter. The dictionary defines this as "Vigilant activity; attentiveness; or care, of which there are infinite shades, from the slightest momentary thought to the most vigilant anxiety. Attentive and persistent in doing a thing; steadily applied; active; sedulous; laborious; unremitting; untiring." I'm so glad he noticed and she can stand proud in that recognition. |
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| NSA Investigation |
[May. 11th, 2006|09:36 pm] |
Who's with me and mad as hell about the justice department's inability to investigate the NSA? How is it possible that we've regressed to KGB/Brownshirt tactics?
Can anyone help me understand? Is this the price of the veil of freedom? |
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| Here goes... |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|11:20 am] |
My three children are off track (out of school for three weeks - kinda like vacation), I'm between terms at school (where I teach), and my husband's getting ready to go to Vegas with the boys for four days. I mopped my kitchen floor for the first time in at least three months this morning. I really should have worked out, but thought mopping could count for exercise. I'm not sure how that works, but Rush Limbaugh says us housewives (I don't know if no others people in his world vacuum) burn 600 calories vacuuming. Maybe that's if we vacuum his mega mansion? Anyway, that tidbit constantly has me trading workouts for cleaning. I don't think my butt understands.
My children are quiet right now - I wonder if they've hogtied the boy and are torturing him. If it's ok with the gov't, it must be legal. Maybe they were nice and took him sledding. Who am I kidding?
The drier keeps yelling. How do you turn off that obnoxious buzzer? But it's a good sign. Means I've been doing laundry, or at least someone has. Oh, I know, it was me. I washed the blankets in the dogs' kennel when I washed the floor. Long, black, chiuahaha (?) hair was all over the washing machine when I pulled the blankets out. They looked clean. Hopefully, the washing machine will clean itself with my son's sheets. They had to be washed because he peed on 'em. Apparently he wasn't quite ready to stop using his pee alarm (the best $50 I ever spent).
I finally, with husband and child labor, finished painting my bedroom. It's not a wow moment. I went with a soft color. I miss the pop. Damn drier. Well, I must go shut the drier up.
I've never blogged before. I have no idea if I'm doing this right. But I really don't care. |
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jinsane's journal